


dasher

by cre8iveovadose



Series: Imagine Loki One-Shots [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Blood and Injury, Christmas, Cutting, Depression, Established Relationship, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Loki (Marvel) is a Good Boyfriend, Medical Procedures, Not Canon Compliant, POV First Person, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tumblr: imagine-loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-17 21:40:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21700162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cre8iveovadose/pseuds/cre8iveovadose
Summary: On Day 58 of her relapse, when her depression was coinciding uncomfortably with Christmas, I woke to find the bed empty beside me.Loki has watched his lover fall into a deep depression and when she admits to feeling suicidal, he does what he can to keep her safe.
Relationships: Loki (Marvel)/Original Female Character(s), Loki (Marvel)/Reader
Series: Imagine Loki One-Shots [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1245764
Comments: 2
Kudos: 49





	dasher

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this pretty much all year and finally managed to get it to what I wanted. Originally written for Imagine Loki over on tumblr (where I've gotten some of the most beautiful comments ever, already). 
> 
> **Just a reiteration of the triggers: Self-harm, suicidal thoughts, a suicide attempt, and a truck tonne of angst and feels.**
> 
> Written from Loki's perspective. Lyrics from Gerard Way's song "Dasher".

_“‘Cause I feel safe in your arms_

_And she's got dashes in her stars_

_Let's run away, fast and far…”_

I had watched her mind plummet to its darkest depths over the last two months. I had been with her on the train the day she’d seen the boy with his scars and short sleeves, out in the open for everyone to see. No matter how I’d tried to distract her from the itch of want that caressed her arms, I couldn’t stop her once we were home again and she could have a locked door between us.

Oh, how I regretted agreeing not to use my magic in the house.

Every single night, after dinner but before bed, I watched with apprehension as she skulked off to the bathroom and shut the door. I sat on the couch trying to focus on the television or trying to read at our rickety kitchen table, perched to rush to her aid if I heard her scream or the sharp jangle of a blade falling to the tile floor. But I never heard a sound until the faucet ran, washing away whatever she’d done to herself.

She’d stopped getting dressed in front of me even though I’d assured her I didn’t mind seeing her bandages. I could still feel them under her clothes when she hugged me and I saw the packaging for the dressings in the wastebasket when I cleaned the apartment while she went to work or visited friends.

It fascinated me that she could still function around other people when all she did at home was curl up on the couch with me and sleep. When I’d had to return to Asgard to handle some business, she admitted to spending the entire three days in bed, something she had never done before. Even when she caught the flu she got out of bed, choosing to convalesce on the couch.

There was something different about this episode and I was not looking forward to finding out what it would be.

On Day 58 of her relapse, when her depression was coinciding uncomfortably with Christmas, I woke to find the bed empty beside me. Sitting up, I skated my hand over the chilly sheets. She must have gotten up an hour ago at least. I climbed out of bed and crossed to the vanity to find a tie for my hair. As I tied back the tangled mess, I saw in the reflection of the mirror that there were bloodstains on her side of the bed.

I walked down the short hallway to the kitchen and living area but she wasn’t there. The closed bathroom door beckoned. I took a steadying breath as I walked towards it, summoning up a dram of magic in case I needed to force my way in.

I knocked, the sound of knuckles on wood punctuated by sobs, and called her name. “Are you alright?” I asked when she didn’t respond.

“It’s open,” she called, her voice small and fractured.

I twisted the handle and swung the door in, braced for the worst but expecting the best. She sat on the floor in a bloody t-shirt with her knees drawn up and her arm pressed to her chest. There was no fear or urgency on her face - only resignation.

“What happened?” I asked as I sat down across from her. A blade rested on the basin and I could see the crisp white of a new bandage tucked between the tap and the faucet.

“I woke up and it was still bleeding,” she said, her voice muted and dull.

“And you came in here to..?”

She tried to meet my eyes but her face crumpled and something inside her fell apart, spilling tears down her cheeks and shaking her shoulders as she sobbed again.

I shuffled closer and reached for her arm, feeling my stomach twist as I pulled it away from her chest to check the wounds. They’d stopped bleeding but they were numerous, beyond measure. Casting my senses out, I could see she had come within millimetres of the arteries. In multiple places.

“It would’ve been so easy,” she said through a grimace of pain as I grabbed the bandage from the basin and wound it around her arm. “It would’ve been so easy to press down.”

My fingers fumbled as my head snapped up. “You don’t mean…”

She shook her head, fresh tears slipping down. “I don’t wanna be alive, Loki,” she cried. “I don’t wanna do this anymore.”

I pulled her into my arms, holding her head against my chest as she grabbed a fistful of my shirt. I rocked her back and forth as her breath hitched and tried to figure out the best course of action.

“I wanna die,” she whispered. Again and again.

I took a deep breath, knowing I would make or break her life with my next words.

“We need to go to the hospital, my love. You need help.”

She shook her head against my shoulder but she didn’t pull away. “No, they’ll take it away from me. They’ll make me stop.”

“You need to stop,” I said. “You’ll die whether you mean to or not if you keep going like this.”

“I won’t. I’m in control.”

“No, your depression is in control. And I’ve let this go on far too long.”

She pulled away to look at me properly. “Don’t make me go. Please. They’ll lock me up, Loki. I’ll be gone.”

“Not as gone as you will be if I let you kill yourself.”

“I’m not ready,” she whispered. “I’m not ready to let it go.”

I reached out to tuck her hair back behind her ear. “You have to, before it destroys you.”

She looked away from me, staring down at the tiled floor. Her fingers twitched in her lap, a side effect of the damage she had done to the nerves in her arm. That single motion made me shake with fear. Could she have severed nerves, tendons, muscles? Was there more damage to be done than just blood loss from this toxic habit?

“Let’s spend the day together,” she said quietly. “Let’s have breakfast and go to the park - see the Christmas lights or something. I’ll feel better if I’m not just sitting around here, I promise.”

“It’s not just about feeling better, my love. You’re injured, you’ve lost so much blood - going out could make you worse.”

“Then heal me.”

“My knowledge of human anatomy isn’t that good, I’m afraid.”

She cupped my cheek. “Let’s just go, Loki. I’ll be fine. We’ll have fun.”

There was an eagerness in her eyes now. She’d found her solution and she wouldn’t let up until I gave in. I knew I was being manipulated, I knew she shouldn’t treat me like this, but I also knew what could happen if I refused.

I nodded once. “We’ll get dressed and go for a walk.”

I reached around her for the bandage she’d tucked in beside the faucet. I grabbed a dressing from the cupboard beneath the sink, ignoring her look of surprise as I reached into the hidden stash of medical supplies I’d discovered two months ago. I gently dressed and bandaged her wounds, wincing when one of the more minor cuts pulled open and bled bright droplets through the bandage.

“I’ll wear a jumper,” she said, “it’s fine.”

I helped her to her feet and we went back to the bedroom to get dressed. I swiftly pulled on clean trousers and a black shirt but when I turned back to face her, she was holding her arm against her stomach and trying to unfold a t-shirt one-handed.

“Are you alright?” I asked as I fastened the last button on my shirt.

“My fingers, they aren’t working properly.” She looked at me sadly. “Help me?”

I nodded as I stepped around the bed. I helped her into a clean t-shirt, jeans, and a thick hoodie. She put her left hand in the pocket but a grimace twisted her features.

“It hurts too much,” she whispered.

“Enough to let me take you to hospital?”

She glared. I wilted. I crossed to our dresser.

From the top drawer, I took out a bandana she’d bought me to keep my hair out of my face on blustery days. I’d never worn it but knew now it would suffice as a sling. I folded it and tied it behind her neck before carefully bracing her arm among the material.

There were tears in her eyes but when I met her gaze, she looked away. She picked up her scarf and tossed it around her neck before she headed for the door. “Let’s go.”

It was a mild enough day outside but when the wind funnelled through the apartment buildings, it cut to our core. We huddled close as we walked along the city streets towards the main drag where shops were brightly decorated with lights and garlands and trees and reindeer.

“Is this anything like how you celebrated Yule on Asgard?” She asked as we paused at a set of traffic lights.

I laughed. “Not at all. The only similarities are the trees and the mass consumption of food - and you Midgardians don’t even come close to us on that last point. But I think I enjoy it.”

“What do you enjoy about it?” She asked as we crossed the street.

“I thoroughly enjoy the lack of a hunt. My father and Thor used to drag me along on those. We’d ride through the forests tracking bilgesnipe. I’d transform into a snake to hide from them.” I smirked. “One day I played a little trick on my brother.”

She laughed a little but she wavered on her feet. I curled an arm around her waist until she regained equilibrium.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

She nodded. “Just, um, take my arm, maybe?”

I linked our arms together without question and we kept going. We wandered past a bakery where the smell of gingerbread filled the air. We passed a gaggle of carol singers singing “Silent Night”. Our meandering pace slowed to a crawl when we joined the crowds outside a department store.

The display windows were filled with a tableau of Father Christmas and his reindeer. The figures were exquisitely made, with clockwork or animatronics, and they slowly moved in time with a Christmas carol playing through the speakers.

“I love the reindeer,” she said as we paused in front of the window. Children nudged past us to get a better look. “They were always my favourites.”

“They’re certainly a majestic creature.”

“I like Dasher best,” she said, leaning her head against my shoulder. “Don’t you think it would be nice to be able to fly away from all your problems? Dash away across the stars into the crisp, winter night?”

“I tried that, remember?” I forced a laugh but felt a twinge of regret as I remembered falling from the Rainbow Bridge. “It’s not as appealing an idea as it’s made out to be.”

“It’d be better than feeling numb all the time.”

I held her arm a little closer. “Unless it only led to more numbness, more misery. Who’s to say your problems wouldn’t follow you?”

“True,” she breathed, still staring at the tableau.

“Shall we keep going?”

“Mmm.”

I stepped away but she did not follow. I turned back just in time to see her eyes roll back. Her legs gave way and our linked arms dragged me down with her. My knees crashed to the concrete and I pulled her to my chest to shield her from the fall. The crowd parted around us and I heard gasps of surprise echo around us.

I patted her cheek and squeezed her hand but she didn’t respond. I felt for a pulse in her uninjured arm, finding it thready, barely perceptible. I quickly untied the sling, pulling away the bandana to find a wet patch on her sleeve. I only had to push it back to her wrist to realise her entire arm was drenched in blood.

“Someone call an ambulance!” I shouted as I rolled up the bandana to tie it around her upper arm. More of the cuts must have opened or the tiny margins between the cuts and her major blood vessels must have ruptured. I tried to sense what was happening but I couldn’t concentrate.

I pulled her scarf from around her neck. I pushed up her sleeve the rest of the way and wrapped the scarf around her arm as tightly as I could. She groaned a little and blood squelched out around the fabric but I had to stop the bleeding. I couldn’t let her die. That was one wish I would never grant the girl I loved.

When sirens wailed in my ears, I slumped back on the footpath and watched paramedics descend upon her. The two of them checked her vital signs while someone else landed their hand on my shoulder.

“Sir, what happened? Are you alright?”

I looked up to see a police officer crouched beside me, her red hair peeking out from beneath her cap.

“Do you know this girl?” The officer asked.

“Y-Yes, we live together. I tried to - she wouldn’t - she needs to go to hospital.”

“I understand that - the EMTs are working on it. What happened, though?”

“She hurt herself,” I gasped, finding it hard to catch my breath. “Last night. And this morning. I wanted to take her to hospital but she wouldn’t let me. She wanted to - to-”

“Breathe for me, bud. We’re gonna take care of the both of you.” She patted my shoulder and we turned back in time to see the paramedics lift her onto a stretcher.

“She’s losing blood quickly,” one paramedic said. “We need to get her to an ER before she goes into shock.”

I scrambled to my feet, following them to the ambulance and climbing in behind them. I heard the police officer say she’d follow us but my focus turned back to the fragile figure of my beautiful girl. The colour in her cheeks was fading and I felt sick as I tangled our fingers together, feeling how cold she was.

“She’ll be alright,” the paramedic beside me whispered.

I didn’t believe him but I didn’t bother saying it out loud.

At the hospital, I watched them whisk her away again, her hand falling from mine as I stood in the waiting room. The police officer joined me, trying to coax me into a chair, but I could only pace around the room.

It was hours before anyone came out to tell us how they’d gone. A young doctor who stood a whole foot shorter than me approached with a morose expression.

“What happened?” I ground out between gritted teeth.

“She lost a lot of blood, almost forty percent of her total volume,” he said, sounding a little out of breath. “She’d nicked an artery - the exercise she’d gotten strained it and made it worse. Any longer and she probably would have died.”

“Where is she now? Were you able to repair the damage?”

“We’ve done our best. She may need further attention when she’s recovered her blood volume. We’ll also need to do a psychiatric evaluation when she’s regained consciousness since the wounds were self-inflicted.”

His words soured my stomach and I shook my head. “I should’ve just brought her here this morning. I shouldn’t have listened to her.”

“You knew about her injuries?”

I nodded, putting my hands on my hips. “I tried to bring her here. She admitted - admitted to feeling suicidal. I told her she needed help. She wouldn’t listen. I was going to try to convince her, warm her up to the idea. I wasn’t quick enough.”

The doctor frowned a little. “I’m sorry. But we can get her the help she needs now. Better late than never.”

I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “Can I see her?”

“She’s sleeping but it won’t hurt for you to sit with her. Come with me.”

I followed the doctor through the brightly lit hallways. He led me to the intensive care unit which bustled with activity and where, in a small room in the corner of the ward, I saw the love of my life again.

She was swathed in white and had tubes and wires weaving all around her. Several IV bags hung from a pole, dripping medication and fluid and blood into her veins. Her arm was wrapped in gauze and tucked against her side. I took her other hand and felt tears slip down my cheeks as I looked to her closed eyes.

“She can probably hear you,” the doctor said. “She won’t be able to respond but you can talk to her if you’d like. I’ll just be outside updating the nurses.”

I dragged a chair closer to the bed and sat down, careful not to knock any of the wires or the machines crowded around her. I glanced up at the monitor that showed her heart rate, still too weak but showing improvement.

I looked back to her face and shook my head. “We can’t do this again, my love,” I whispered. “I can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore. These doctors are going to get you the help you need and I’m going to make sure it works.”

I shuffled to the edge of the chair and leaned in closer, stroking her hair with one hand while I rubbed a thumb over her knuckles with the other. “I need you here,” I whispered, my voice cracking a little. “You make me feel safe and I want to help you feel the same way. But I can only do so much. I need you to meet me in the middle. We can do this together, my love, and we need to. Because I love you, so much, and I can’t let this happen to you again.”

I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Stay with me,” I whispered against her skin.

Her eyes flickered but they did not open. I felt her fingers give the most minute of twitches. It wasn’t much but I took it as a sign that she wanted to stay. I had tried so hard to keep her safe but it was up to her now. I couldn’t keep her feet on the ground; I could only stop her from dashing away into the stars.

_“And no matter where you are_

_I hope you know that we can show this world_

_It just can't bring us down_

_From these clouds, when we come_

_This way.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading what is easily the most depressing thing I've ever written. I hope you got something out of it. Please remember to take some time for a little self-care if you need it <3


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